Have you ever left a simple chat feeling oddly tired, as if you had spent ten minutes nodding while someone else occupied the microphone?
That feeling may point to what experts call conversational narcissism, a communication pattern in which one person keeps pulling attention back to themselves instead of sharing the space.
The term does not mean every talkative person has narcissistic personality disorder. It is better understood as a habit, sometimes rooted in insecurity, anxiety, poor listening skills, or a childhood where speaking louder was the only way to be noticed.
Still, it can leave friends, partners, and coworkers feeling unseen.
What the term means
American sociologist Charles Derber popularized the idea in the late 1970s, using it to describe a culture where people compete for attention in everyday life. The pattern is simple. One person keeps redirecting the conversation back to themselves, even when someone else is trying to share something important.
In practical terms, a healthy conversation works like a casual game of catch. You speak, the other person responds, and then the ball comes back. In conversational narcissism, one person catches the ball and keeps it.
Not always a diagnosis
Dr. Sue Varma, listed by NYU Grossman School of Medicine as a clinical assistant professor in psychiatry, has described this style as a dialogue that slips into a monologue.
That image fits because the other person may feel trapped, waiting for a break that never really comes.
But there is an important caveat. A person can show conversational narcissism without meeting the criteria for a personality disorder, and mental health specialists caution against casually diagnosing people from one annoying habit.
The shift response
The first sign is the “shift response.” You share something about your day, and the other person quickly turns it into a story about their own life.
It can sound harmless at first. You say you are exhausted, and they answer, “I know exactly how you feel, my week was worse,” before launching into a full account of their schedule. Just like that, your experience fades into the background.
The waiting look
Another clue is the “waiting-to-talk” look. The person may ask you a question, but as you answer, their eyes glaze over and their face seems to freeze.
What are they really doing? Not listening, for the most part. They are waiting for the first pause so they can take the floor again, like someone hovering near the stage door.
The need to outcompete
A third sign is constant one-upmanship. If you have good news, they have better news. If you faced a hard week, their week was harder.
Wendy Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist and a specialist in narcissism and schema therapy, has often framed this pattern around the question, “What about me?” The issue is not simply sharing a related story.
It is the steady habit of making your moment smaller so theirs can look bigger.
The drained feeling
The fourth sign may show up after the conversation ends. You feel tired, tense, dismissed, or strangely smaller than before.
That reaction matters. A conversation should not feel like a traffic jam where every lane leads back to the same person. When one speaker interrupts, talks over others, or ignores emotional cues, the exchange stops feeling mutual.
The hunger for approval
The fifth sign is a strong need for admiration and agreement. Someone caught in this pattern may fish for praise, resist criticism, or change the topic when you disagree.
Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist and author focused on narcissistic abuse and relationship trauma, has written about fragile forms of narcissistic behavior that can sit outside a full clinical diagnosis.
In everyday conversation, that fragility can look like a constant search for approval.
Why people do it
For many people, this is not a grand plan to dominate everyone around them. It can be a nervous habit, a fear of silence, or a clumsy attempt to connect by saying, “That happened to me too.”
But the impact can still hurt. Intent is one thing, effect is another. At the end of the day, the person on the other side may feel like their story was borrowed and never returned.
How to change it if you notice doing it yourself
A simple first step is to notice how often you use “I” after someone shares something personal. Then try a support response instead. Ask, “What happened next?” or “How did that feel for you?”
Also, leave a little silence. It may feel awkward, like waiting in an elevator with no music, but silence gives the other person room to think. That is often where real connection begins.
Better conversations
Conversational narcissism is not just a label for rude people. It is a mirror for anyone who has ever talked too much, interrupted too quickly, or turned someone else’s story into a chance to perform.
The better model is simple but not always easy. Listen with curiosity, return the ball, and make sure the other person leaves the conversation feeling present and heard.
The main work behind the concept has been published by Oxford University Press as Charles Derber’s The Pursuit of Attention.
