A Harvard expert has uncovered a surprising habit that can negatively impact how others perceive you. This intriguing behavior is common among retirees and might seem harmless at first, yet it slowly creates an impression of being self-centered and dismissive.
According to Alison Wood Brooks, a Harvard professor, there is a noticeable pattern in how some older people communicate. It’s a habit that can unintentionally shut down a conversation. Let’s take a closer look at what this is all about.
Unmasking a communication habit in older folks
The behavior named “boomerasking” is a form of asking a question that quickly turns into a way to share a personal story or opinion without really inviting a true response. The term itself is a blend of “boomer”, referring to the baby boomer generation, and “ask”.
In her research, Brooks explained that boomerasking can be categorized into three types. First, there is the “ask-bragging” style, in which someone asks a question only to follow it up by sharing a personal achievement, such as a fun vacation or a recent success. Second, the “ask-complaining” style uses a question as a setup for a complaint or negative experience. Finally, there is the “ask-sharing” style, where the question simply sets the stage to share an interesting, unusual, or random personal detail.
For example, someone might ask, “Have you ever been to Hawaii?” but quickly add, “I just got back from the best vacation ever!”. In another instance, a person might ask, “Do you know what’s wrong with public transport?” and then vent about a recent frustration.
Even when sharing a quirky story or dream, the underlying goal is not to know your opinion but to spotlight themselves. Brooks’ study found that this habit often leaves a poor impression because it comes across as if the speaker is more interested in their narrative than in fostering genuine conversation.
Fight boomerasking: what to say instead
Understanding boomerasking helps us recognize how our words can sometimes be misinterpreted. To build more engaging relationships, consider switching up your approach. Instead of turning a question into a personal broadcast, try these alternatives:
- Ask and listen: Rather than embedding your story in a question, simply ask and give the other person a chance to share their thoughts.
- Share, then ask: If you have something to share, start with your story and follow it up with a question.
- Direct statements: Make clear statements without disguising them as questions. You might say, “I had an amazing weekend”, and then invite conversation by asking, “What did you do over the weekend?”.
- Engage with empathy: Show genuine interest by asking open-ended questions that invite detailed responses.
Boomerasking might accidentally cut off a meaningful conversation. The research reminds us that genuine questions, combined with authentic listening, forge stronger bonds. Avoiding this communication pitfall will help keep your conversations lively and engaging. Next time, try asking first and then truly listening to the other person’s response, shaping your discussion around their input. It’s a simple shift that could lead to deeper connections and better dialogue.
