We’ve all been in situations where we need to say something honest but fear it might upset the other person. Whether it’s giving feedback to a coworker, setting a boundary with a family member, or bringing up a sensitive topic with a partner, the wrong words can quickly turn a conversation tense.

Psychologists say there’s a way to speak your mind without making the other person feel attacked. It’s called the “I-message” technique, and it focuses on expressing your feelings and needs while avoiding blame. This style of assertive communication can defuse defensiveness and keep conversations respectful. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me”, you might say “When I’m interrupted, I feel ignored”.

What is I-message communication

I-messages are a form of assertive communication developed in the 60 by psychologist Thomas Gordon. The idea is to describe a specific situation, share how it makes you feel, and explain why, without accusing or judging the other person. This keeps the focus on your perspective rather than on what the other person is “doing wrong”.

A typical I-message follows a structure like: “When X happens, I feel Y because Z”. For example, “When the meeting starts late, I feel stressed because it shortens the time I have for my other tasks”. The language is neutral and centers on your emotions, which makes the other person more likely to listen instead of reacting defensively.

This technique works well in personal relationships, the workplace, and even with children. It’s especially useful in conflict resolution because it opens the door for problem-solving instead of escalating tension. By taking responsibility for your feelings, you avoid putting the other person on the defensive, which often shuts down productive conversation.

How to use these phrases in real situations

Once you understand the structure, you can adapt I-messages to almost any situation. Here are some practical examples:

With a partner: Instead of “You’re always on your phone at dinner”, say “When we eat together and you’re on your phone, I feel disconnected because I want to spend that time talking to you”.
With a coworker: Instead of “You keep missing deadlines”, say “When the reports are late, I feel pressured because it affects the rest of my schedule”.
With a friend: Instead of “You never invite me anywhere”, say “When I hear about plans after they’ve happened, I feel left out because I value spending time with you”.
With a child: Instead of “You’re so messy”, say “When your toys are all over the floor, I feel frustrated because it makes it hard to walk around safely”.

These statements make it easier for the other person to hear your point without feeling blamed or attacked. They also model respectful communication, which can influence how others respond in the future.

Using I-messages doesn’t mean avoiding honesty—it means delivering it in a way that keeps the conversation constructive. By focusing on your feelings and needs instead of the other person’s flaws, you make it possible to express almost any opinion without creating unnecessary conflict. Over time, this approach can strengthen relationships, build trust, and make difficult conversations far less stressful.