When children are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, words can change the situation. The way you respond can either help them calm down or escalate what’s happening. Psychologists say there’s one short sentence that works in almost any scenario, no matter the child’s age.

This phrase comes from Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a psychologist with more than 30 years of experience working with children and families. The sentence is: “I know you’re angry. I’m here to help you“. It validates the child’s feelings, offers comfort, and opens the door to communication. Here, we’ll explain why these words are so effective, and give you more strategies for handling moments of anger in a healthy way.

The phrase and why it works with angry children

Bernstein says these nine words work because they do three things at once. First, they acknowledge the child’s emotions instead of ignoring or minimizing them. Hearing that their feelings are recognized can make a child feel understood and less defensive. Second, the phrase reassures them that they are not alone, making it easier to calm down. Finally, it creates a safe space for problem-solving without judgment or confrontation.

Anger in children often stems from feelings of frustration, powerlessness, or not being heard. This sentence reduces those triggers. The words “I know” show empathy, while “I’m here to help you” signals that you are on their side. Using this approach consistently can strengthen emotional connection and trust between a parent and a child.

Tone and delivery are as important as the words themselves. Speak calmly, get down to the child’s eye level, and maintain open body language. The goal is to create a moment where your presence offers support, not control.

Other tips for parents for calming an angry child

While the phrase is powerful, it works even better when combined with other techniques that address the child’s needs in the moment. Here are some strategies:

Stay calm yourself. Children often mirror adult emotions. Keeping your voice steady and your body relaxed can help lower the intensity of the moment.
Give them space to express feelings. Let them talk, cry, or pause without rushing to fix everything immediately. Sometimes they need a moment to release tension before they can listen.
Use physical closeness when welcome. A gentle hand on the shoulder or a hug can provide comfort, but only if the child is receptive.
Offer simple choices. Giving them small decisions, like “Do you want to talk now or in five minutes?” restores a sense of control.
Model healthy coping skills. Show them how you handle frustration—through deep breathing, taking a walk, or speaking calmly—so they can learn by example.
Avoid criticism during the peak of anger. Save any discussion about behavior or consequences for when they are calm and ready to listen.
Help label emotions. Saying, “It sounds like you’re frustrated because your game ended”, can teach them to recognize and name their feelings.

Calming an angry child is less about control and more about connection. By acknowledging their emotions, offering support, and modeling calm behavior, you create an environment where they feel safe enough to let go of anger. This way, these moments become opportunities to build resilience, trust, and stronger family bonds.