There’s one phrase emotionally intelligent parents rarely say to their gifted kids, and it’s not because they’re overly permissive or trying to raise a genius. It’s because they understand how language can shape a child’s self-perception.

Here, we’ll break down the phrase “Don’t get like that, it’s not a big deal” and why it can be especially harmful to kids. According to child neuropsychologist Álvaro Bilbao and education expert Rafa Guerrero, high-ability children often feel things more deeply, and the way adults respond to their emotions can either support or shut down their emotional growth.

Saying the phrase to children sends the wrong message

This phrase, often said with good intentions, tells the child their reaction is out of proportion. But for many kids, strong emotional responses are part of how they process the world, including high emotional sensitivity. Saying “It’s not a big deal” doesn’t calm them; it invalidates what they’re feeling.

Over time, these messages can undermine trust. The child starts to believe their emotions are wrong or exaggerated. They may learn to suppress how they feel or stop sharing altogether. And for kids who already struggle to fit in or be understood, this kind of response can be especially alienating.

A better approach is to acknowledge the emotion first, even if it seems disproportionate. You don’t have to agree with their reaction, but you can respect it. Saying something like “I see this upsets you—do you want to talk about it?” keeps the door open. It shows the child that you’re listening, not judging.

Kids with high abilities tend to be rigid, literal, and emotionally intense. They may zero in on small details, react strongly to perceived unfairness, or fixate on abstract problems. Pushing these feelings aside with a dismissive phrase only deepens their frustration.

Other things parents should avoid saying to kids

This one phrase isn’t the only one to steer clear of. Here are a few other phrases that do more harm than good:

“You don’t get to answer this time”. High-ability kids often know the answer, but silencing them because they participate too much sends the message that knowledge is something to hide. Instead, you can set balanced ground rules that include everyone without making them feel penalized for being engaged.
“That’s not what we’re talking about right now”. When a gifted child makes an unexpected comment, it’s usually because their thinking is jumping ahead or connecting ideas creatively. Instead of shutting it down, you can say: “Interesting thought, let’s come back to that”.
“You’re being dramatic”. Like “It’s not a big deal”, this minimizes their experience. As these children often experience strong emotions, speaking from a place of empathy will help them manage those emotions more effectively.

It’s important to remember that words matter, and with gifted kids, they matter even more. The goal is to speak with awareness and respect. Supporting how they feel doesn’t have to involve agreeing with everything they say—it just means treating their emotional world as real.