That intense feeling you experience—could it be mistaken for genuine love? Many couples confuse fleeting passion with a profound connection. In the realm of relationship psychology, psychiatrist Enrique Rojas explains that authentic love is more complex than mere strong feelings.
Rojas, a leading expert on relationships and emotional well-being, has identified three fundamental markers of genuine love. If these elements are lacking in your relationship, what you feel may be comfort, routine, or infatuation rather than a deep, soulful bond. Let’s break down Rojas’ three key signs that might indicate you’re not as deeply in love as you believe.
Three signs it might not be love
Enrique Rojas argues that authentic love reveals itself through three integral experiences. The absence of even one of these components may expose a relationship built on illusion, convenience, or habitual familiarity rather than an enduring emotional connection.
They’re not on your mind all the time
When you’re genuinely in love, your thoughts naturally and persistently gravitate toward that special person throughout the day. Their image fills your mind, and you find yourself wondering about them, eagerly anticipating their messages, and feeling an undeniable thrill at the prospect of seeing or talking to them.
If this constant mental pull is missing—if you rarely think of them spontaneously, show little interest in communication, or don’t experience that buzz of anticipation—it may signal that you’re merely comfortable or accustomed, rather than truly immersed in love.
You don’t admire who they are
The second pillar of authentic love, according to Rojas, is crystallization. This concept involves genuinely recognizing and cherishing your partner’s positive qualities. You admire their character, consider them unique, and feel inspired to improve yourself because of their influence. When you attribute real and favorable traits to them, it establishes a bond rooted in reality rather than idealized fantasy.
However, if you tend to fixate on their flaws, lack genuine respect or admiration, or feel little impetus to grow together, what you have is not love. Instead, it may be a form of infatuation or dependency. Such admiration must be grounded in realistic appraisal, for building an unrealistic image of a partner can lead to inevitable disappointment and emotional turbulence.
You don’t miss sharing your daily life
The third sign is a deep-seated desire to integrate your daily experiences with your partner. This longing goes far beyond physical attraction or sexual chemistry; it signifies an emotional yearning for closeness and shared purpose. You naturally want to discuss your ordinary moments as well as significant life events, relishing the simple act of being together.
When your partner is absent, you feel a distinct void that underscores the strength of your bond. Conversely, if you rarely experience this impulse—if you feel indifferent about recounting your day or lack the urge to connect over life’s happenings—your relationship may be founded on comfort or routine, rather than the profound unity of true love.
Why do we get this feeling wrong?
Rojas attributes this widespread misunderstanding to common missteps such as overemphasizing physical attraction and early-stage excitement while overlooking critical factors like shared values, emotional compatibility, and aligned life goals. He emphasizes that authentic love requires thoughtful reflection, maturity, and a willingness to nurture a stable, lasting connection.
In the absence of these core experiences—persistent thoughts, genuine admiration, and the desire to share life in all its facets—you’re likely mistaking another emotion for the real deal.
