Verbal and non-verbal language plays a key role in parenting—especially when raising gifted children. Experts stress how much the way we speak to our kids influences their emotional well-being and self-esteem. For children with high intellectual abilities, this impact can be even more pronounced, as their advanced thinking often clashes with adult expectations or traditional classroom structures.
Wellness and leadership expert Ana Araujo emphasize the need to be mindful of how we communicate with these children. Certain phrases, often said without bad intentions, can cause harm by discouraging participation, curiosity, or emotional expression. One phrase, in particular, stands out as especially damaging, and it’s one that gifted children hear all too often—both at home and in the classroom.
Why gifted kids should never be told this phrase
Among the most harmful phrases a highly capable child can hear is: “You can’t answer.” This seemingly simple sentence can have deep emotional consequences. It’s frequently used when an adult knows the child will likely respond correctly and wants to give others a chance. However, to the gifted child, it feels like rejection. They’re being silenced not for misbehaving or disrupting—but for excelling.
When a child hears this regularly, they may begin to associate their intelligence with being a problem. It sends the message that their contributions are unwelcome, and over time, it can lead to withdrawal, frustration, or even shame. In trying to protect other children’s self-esteem, adults may unintentionally damage the emotional development of the gifted one.
According to specialists, children who feel penalized for being bright may start to hide their abilities, participate less in class, or question their own worth. Encouraging participation—rather than limiting it—is crucial for their confidence and long-term motivation. Instead of shutting them down, adults should offer them space to shine, while still managing group dynamics with care.
Other phrases to avoid with highly capable children
“You can’t answer” isn’t the only phrase that can negatively affect gifted children. Here are a few more to watch out for:
- “That’s not relevant right now.” While meant to keep things on track, this phrase can make a child feel that their curiosity or insight is inappropriate, when in fact it should be celebrated.
- “Wait a bit.” Gifted children often finish tasks early and are ready for more. Constantly asking them to wait can lead to boredom and disengagement.
- “You can’t be the leader.” Denying them leadership roles repeatedly can feel like punishment for taking initiative.
- “It’s not a big deal.” Many gifted children are emotionally intense. Dismissing their reactions can invalidate their feelings and lead to emotional suppression.
- “Don’t be dramatic.” Similar to the above, this phrase minimizes their experience and teaches them to hide their emotional responses.
- “That’s not what we’re doing now.” Over-controlling a gifted child’s learning or creative expression may limit their natural motivation to explore.
By being aware of how we speak to highly capable children, both parents and teachers can support their growth in a way that’s both emotionally and intellectually enriching.