Dr. Cortney S. Warren, a Harvard-trained psychologist, has spent years studying how our words reveal our emotional side. With clinical training from Harvard Medical School and a doctorate from Texas A&M University, she has seen that the way we talk can shape our relationships and even small phrases can hint at low emotional intelligence.
Understanding and managing our feelings and recognizing the emotions of others is an ability that we all need to develop. Here, we’ll explore seven common phrases that might signal low emotional intelligence and suggest friendlier alternatives to build stronger bonds. Let’s get to it.
1. “Your feelings are irrational”
When you dismiss someone’s emotions by calling them “irrational”, you cut off any chance for a real conversation. This phrase ignores that feelings are personal and real and shuts down understanding. Try instead: “I see you’re upset, and your feelings matter. Tell me more about what you’re experiencing”. This approach opens the door to connection and shows you care.
2. “I’m not changing. This is who I am”
Saying you’re unchangeable locks you into a fixed mindset. Emotional intelligence grows when we’re open to feedback and self-improvement. Rigid statements can keep you from learning and adapting. Say something like: “I’m working on understanding myself better, and I appreciate your input”. This simple shift proves a willingness to grow and connect.
3. “Stop being crazy!”
Using “crazy” to dismiss someone’s reaction is not only harsh but it closes the door to an honest discussion. Such words can escalate conflicts instead of easing them. Try: “I can see you’re really upset. Let’s take a moment and talk about what’s bothering you”, which invites dialogue without labeling the other person.
4. “I don’t care how you feel”
Telling someone you don’t care sends a clear message: you’re not interested in their emotional experience. This can only bring negative results in a conversation. You can say: “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. How can I help you through this?”. This sends the message that you value their feelings and, although you might be frustrated, you still want to support them.
5. “I can’t forgive you”
Holding onto anger and refusing to forgive can be poisoning in a relationship. When you say this, you close off the chance for healing and growth for both parties. Replace it with a phrase like: “I’m having a hard time letting go of what happened, but I’m working on it because I value our relationship”. This honest approach indicates you’re ready to mend the hurt, even if it takes time.
6. “It’s your fault I’m feeling this way”
Blaming someone else for your emotions misses the point of self-awareness. Our feelings are our own, even if others spark them. Instead, you can say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need to understand my own emotions better”. This way, you take responsibility and invite a calm discussion rather than fostering blame.
7. “You’re just wrong”
Brushing off another person’s perspective with a flat “you’re just wrong” removes any chance of possible understanding. Always try to see the value in another person’s viewpoint even when it differs from your own. Go for something like: “I see things differently, but I’d like to understand your side better. Can you share more about your thoughts?”. This shows that you’re open to a conversation and willing to learn and change your perspective.
Even small tweaks in our language can lead to big improvements in our daily interactions. By choosing words that display openness, empathy, and self-reflection, you pave the way for better personal and professional bonds.