Asking your boss for more money can feel intimidating, but psychologists say using the right phrase can dramatically improve your chances of success. Rather than focusing on nerves or fear of rejection, experts suggest preparing a smart approach that highlights fairness, self-awareness, and your value to the team.
A New York Times feature gathered insights from psychologists and workplace experts who have studied how people respond to these sensitive conversations. Their findings reveal not just what to say, but how to think and prepare before you ever enter your manager’s office.
What phrase should you use when asking your boss for a raise?
According to the New York Times, one of the most effective phrases you can use begins like this:
“You know, I’ve always seen you as a fair person who is concerned about equity and concerned about making sure that the people you work with are properly treated.”
Behavioral scientist Robert Cialdini explained that this kind of language can make your boss more receptive, because people tend to act in ways that align with their own sense of fairness and integrity. By appealing to that identity, you’re not only making your request — you’re reinforcing their positive self-image.
Cialdini’s research shows that when people are reminded of their values before being asked for something, they’re more likely to respond positively. In this case, invoking fairness helps your boss want to live up to that expectation when discussing your pay.
Another powerful piece of advice from the article: don’t wait until your annual review to start making your case. The groundwork for a successful raise conversation begins long before the meeting itself. “You have to have done your cultivation of the way that your boss thinks of you, or perceives your value,” Cialdini said.
How to prepare and strengthen your case
Before making the request, experts recommend a few key steps to set the stage:
- Rehearse the conversation with a friend or colleague who can challenge you with different possible responses.
- Give your boss advance notice that you’d like to discuss your role and career growth, rather than surprising them.
- Come prepared with a clear plan for the next year — not just what you’ve done, but what you’ll do next.
- Keep the focus on work, not personal circumstances or financial need.
Alexandria Brown, an HR consultant quoted in the piece, said showing awareness of your strengths and growth areas can “soften the ask for more money” and demonstrate emotional intelligence. Managers, she added, appreciate when employees approach the conversation with professionalism and preparation.
The psychology behind a “yes”
Psychologist and author Daniel Pink told the New York Times that most people underestimate the odds of getting a positive response and overestimate the risk of asking. Simply having the conversation, he said, often changes the dynamic in your favor.
He also emphasized the importance of framing your argument around what’s fair — both inside your organization and in the broader market. Internal fairness compares your salary with others at your level; external fairness compares it to what similar roles earn elsewhere. “It’s hard for people to defend unfairness,” Pink said.
The story also highlights how being seen as a “rare or valuable” employee increases your leverage. Small habits — such as meeting deadlines early or handling challenges calmly — can subtly make you stand out.
As Cialdini concluded, asking for a raise isn’t just about confidence or performance. It’s about understanding human nature and using that knowledge to connect. A simple, respectful phrase that appeals to fairness might just be the difference between hesitation and a “yes.”