Adam Galinsky, a Columbia Business School professor and Ivy League-trained social psychologist, has a critical warning for parents: everyday language can shape—or derail—your child’s confidence. In his recently published book Inspire: The universal path for leading yourself and others, Galinsky explains how seemingly harmless phrases can leave lasting emotional scars.
His research, spanning classrooms, neighborhoods, and homes across the U.S., reveals the hidden power of words. In a recent interview, Galinsky emphasized that even well-meaning remarks can backfire. One four-word phrase, in particular, stands out as damaging, which we’ll cover below. We’ll also explore other common phrases to avoid and offer healthier alternatives to foster resilience in your children.
The four-word phrase to avoid with your kids
When kids make mistakes, many parents instinctively say: “I’m disappointed in you”. While intended to express concern, Galinsky warns this phrase fuels shame, a toxic emotion that drives kids to hide errors rather than learn from them. Parents usually deploy it when they want to correct behavior, but saying it can cause the opposite to happen. “If we make our kids feel shame, that’s never a good thing”, Galinsky says.
Children already grapple with pressures in school, sports, and friendships. Hearing “I’m disappointed in you” amplifies their self-doubt and frames mistakes as personal failures. Research shows shame often leads to avoidance, while guilt (when addressed constructively) can motivate growth. “Guilt leads to repair, but shame often leads to avoidance”, Galinsky explains.
If you want your kids to learn from their mistakes, don’t just tell them that what they’ve done is wrong. Ask them how they can do a better job in the future. For example, you could ask: “What could help next time?” or “How can we fix this together?”. These questions encourage problem-solving and accountability without crushing confidence and teach kids that they can tackle challenges, even if they don’t get it right the first or second time.
Other harmful phrases and their alternatives
As language shapes identity, the words we choose can either build resilience or cause harm. Here are some common phrases to avoid with your kids and their supportive alternatives:
- “You always mess up”. Say instead: “Let’s figure out what went wrong and improve next time”. This way you focus on finding solutions rather than labeling the child. It encourages a constructive mindset and shows that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth.
- “Calm down”. Change it to: “I see you’re upset. Let’s take a deep breath together”. This validates the child’s emotions and offers support. It shows empathy and helps the child feel understood.
- “Stop being lazy”. Swap it for: “What can we do to make this task easier?”. Shifting from blame to problem-solving empowers the child to overcome challenges. It conveys belief in their abilities and fosters a cooperative attitude.
- “That’s just the way you are”. Go with: “What could help you improve in this area?”. Encouraging growth over fixed mindsets helps the child see that they can change and develop. It promotes self-improvement by focusing on potential rather than limitations.
Every interaction with your children is a chance to nurture resilience. Before reacting, pause and ask yourself: Will these words empower or deflate? Choose phrases that teach, connect, and inspire them to be better.