Most people think they’re pretty good at talking to others, but conversations often fall flat. We interrupt, change the subject too quickly, or walk away before the exchange really gets going. Psychologists say one of the simplest ways to make a conversation click is also one of the most overlooked: asking questions that show you’re listening.
Conversations are how we build friendships, strengthen marriages, and work through disagreements with coworkers and family. In recent years, psychologists have been studying what makes some exchanges satisfying and others frustrating. From speed dating studies to brain imaging research, experts are uncovering why conversations are so powerful and how small changes can improve them.
What the science says about meaningful conversations
Thalia Wheatley, PhD, a professor of psychological and brain sciences at Dartmouth College, describes conversation as an ancient tool for aligning our minds. It’s our most common social behavior, but it remains poorly understood. Now researchers are using advanced methods such as natural language processing and hyperscanning—scanning two brains at the same time—to study how we connect through talk.
One of the most consistent findings is that people underestimate how enjoyable and meaningful conversations can be, especially with strangers. A study led by Juliana Schroeder, PhD, at the University of California, Berkeley, shows that people expect conversations to become less interesting over time. In reality, longer and deeper exchanges often leave participants feeling happier and more connected than they predicted.
Michael Yeomans, PhD, at Imperial College London, has explored why some conversations feel insincere. For example, “boomer asking”, when someone asks a question only to answer it themselves, tends to alienate listeners. On the other hand, follow-up questions—those that respond directly to what the other person just said—signal attention and make people more likable.
Listening doesn’t just happen through words. Wheatley and her colleagues found that the timing of pauses also matters. Short gaps between speakers tend to make conversations feel more connected, while long silences can create awkwardness between strangers. With close friends, though, a thoughtful pause can sometimes deepen the sense of understanding.
How to make your conversations better
These findings point to practical ways to improve everyday interactions. The key isn’t asking more questions in general but asking the right kinds of questions and showing genuine attention.
- Ask follow-up questions. Base them on what the other person just said instead of steering the topic elsewhere. This makes people feel heard and understood.
- Don’t cut things short too soon. Even when you expect a conversation to stall, staying engaged longer often makes the experience more rewarding.
- Be willing to go deeper. Moving beyond surface topics usually feels less awkward than people fear and can build stronger connections.
- Mind the timing. Short pauses keep conversations flowing, while thoughtful silences with close friends can signal real reflection.
- Avoid insincere habits. Practices like asking a question to answer it yourself can make others feel excluded.
Good conversations involve paying attention, responding in ways that show you’re listening, and being open to where the exchange leads. Small shifts in how we ask questions and manage timing can turn ordinary talk into moments that strengthen relationships and improve our well-being.