Any parent knows how explosive a child’s anger can be. Whether it’s a toddler screaming on the floor, a grade-schooler slamming doors, or a teenager rolling their eyes, those moments are intense. Psychologists say a short phrase can help shift the entire interaction.
Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, teaches parents to use a simple response when faced with tantrums, outbursts, or emotional meltdowns: “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you“. Let’s look at why this works, how it affects children of different ages, and tips to make it more effective.
The phrase and why it works with upset children
When emotions run high, children often feel unheard. That sense of not being listened to can escalate their anger even more. By saying “I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you”, parents do three things at once: acknowledge the child’s feelings, offer reassurance, and reduce the pressure to “calm down” on command.
Validation is at the core of this phrase. Bernstein explains that when a child hears their emotions are seen and respected, their defenses lower. Instead of reacting with more shouting or resistance, they start to feel safe enough to process their frustration. This is especially important because anger often hides deeper feelings of fear, sadness, or stress.
The second layer is reassurance. Instead of pushing control through orders like “stop it” or “relax”, the parent communicates presence. That presence, even without solutions right away, reduces isolation and makes space for connection.
Finally, the phrase helps break the power struggle. Children, like adults, resist being told what to do when they’re overwhelmed. A calm statement of empathy shifts the dynamic from conflict to support. The child may not calm instantly, but the tone of the moment changes, making it easier for both parent and child to move forward.
How to use the phrase effectively and help kids calm down
Of course, saying the phrase is only part of the work. Parents can strengthen its impact with a few simple strategies that encourage emotional regulation and connection.
- Stay calm yourself. Your voice and body language carry as much weight as your words. Say it gently, not through clenched teeth.
- Match the setting. Kneel at eye level for a toddler. Give space to a teenager who needs room to breathe.
- Give them time. Don’t expect an instant shift. Even if they keep crying or yelling, your words will start working beneath the surface.
- Follow up later. Once the storm passes, talk through what happened. This teaches problem-solving and helps them feel understood.
- Practice consistency. The more often children experience validation, the faster they learn to calm themselves over time.
Bernstein’s approach echoes research on emotion regulation and parent-child relationships. Studies show that children who feel validated develop better coping skills and fewer behavior problems over time. No phrase will erase every tantrum or guarantee instant calm, but this one offers a way to ground both parent and child in the middle of chaos.