Arguments can spiral fast, as once emotions flare, logic tends to disappear. Psychologists have identified one phrase that often cuts through the noise and tension: simple, direct, and with big potential.
The phrase—”What do you need right now?“—comes from the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. In this article, we’ll explain why it works, how it fits into a proven communication approach, and how you can use it in daily life. We’ll also look at other practical tools to improve your communication style and defuse conflict.
“What do you need right now?”: the phrase to end an argument
This question may sound basic, but it gets to the heart of what Rosenberg’s model teaches: behind every conflict is an unmet need. When you ask someone what they need, you shift the focus from blame or accusation to clarity and connection. It pulls attention away from who’s right and toward what can help.
Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication framework was developed in the 1960s and has been used in therapy, education, mediation, and even political negotiations. Its goal is to encourage honest, respectful communication, even when emotions run high.
The key idea is that needs drive behavior. Instead of reacting to someone’s anger or frustration, NVC asks us to pause and consider what need is going unmet. This reduces defensiveness and creates space for resolution. The question “What do you need right now?” invites the other person to reflect and respond from that deeper place. It also shows you’re listening, not just waiting to defend your point.
This kind of communication reduces tension quickly. It helps both people get back to a state where they can talk, not argue. It’s not about giving in or avoiding conflict, but moving the conversation to a more productive place. And when you ask the question sincerely, it often disarms strong emotions.
More tips to communicate better
Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication model is built on four core components: observation, feelings, needs, and requests. Using these as a guide can help reduce misunderstandings and make everyday conversations more honest and effective. Here are a few practical ways to apply the model:
- Stick to the facts: Instead of labeling or judging someone’s behavior, describe what happened. Say “You interrupted me three times” instead of “You’re always disrespectful”.
- Name your feelings: Being able to say “I feel frustrated” or “I’m anxious about this” helps keep communication grounded. It also avoids blaming the other person.
- Identify the real need: Before reacting, ask yourself what you need. Is it respect? Support? Clear information? This helps you communicate more clearly and avoid emotional overload.
- Make a clear request: Instead of vague complaints, ask for something specific and doable. For example, “Can we take five minutes to cool off and then talk again?” is more effective than “You need to calm down”.
- Listen for needs, not just words: When someone’s upset, try to hear what need they’re trying to express, even if they’re not saying it clearly.
Using these techniques takes some practice, but it pays off. Whether you’re dealing with a partner, coworker, friend, or family member, applying these tools can help reduce conflict and improve connection.