Every parent wants to raise confident kids but, according to Ivy League-trained psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, certain parenting habits can undermine a child’s self-confidence. Dr. Kennedy, who earned her PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia University and hosts the popular parenting podcast “Good Inside”, believes that the way parents praise their children plays a crucial role in shaping their mindset and future.
She warns that a seemingly harmless two-word phrase often used to encourage kids can have the opposite effect. Instead of building resilience and confidence, it may lead children to rely too much on external validation, making them more anxious and less self-assured. Let’s see what’s the phrase to avoid and what you can say instead.
The problem with generic praise when raising confident kids
The phrase in question? “Good job”. At first glance, this phase might seem positive and supportive but, without any further context, it can end the conversation. When kids hear it, they may not know exactly what they did well, so they won’t understand their strengths. Over time, they may start seeking constant approval rather than building confidence from within.
Instead of stopping at “good job”, Kennedy recommends asking follow-up questions or giving more detailed praise. For example, if a child brings home a well-written essay, a parent could say: “I love how you organized your ideas in this essay. How did you come up with that argument?” This shows genuine interest in the specific topic brought up, keeps the conversation going, and helps the child reflect on their efforts.
How parents can foster confidence in their kids
Building a child’s confidence goes beyond just avoiding generic praise. Here are some key strategies you can use to help your children develop self-assurance and independence:
- Praise effort, not just results: Acknowledge the hard work and determination behind the achievements. Saying: “I noticed how much effort you put into studying for that test” reinforces the value of perseverance.
- Encourage new challenges: Children build confidence by stepping out of their comfort zones. Encourage them to try new things to help them realize they are capable of handling different challenges.
- Allow mistakes and teach resilience: When kids see that failures aren’t the end of the world, they become more willing to take risks and try again. Instead of rescuing them from setbacks, help them analyze what went wrong and how they can improve next time.
- Help kids find their strengths: Every child has unique talents and interests. Support their passions and give them opportunities to explore different activities. Finding something they excel at can give them a strong sense of identity and boost their confidence.
- Show love unconditionally: Children need to know they are valued not just for what they achieve, but for who they are. Let them know you appreciate them regardless of their successes or failures. This helps them develop self-worth that isn’t dependent on outside approval.
By avoiding generic praise like “good job” and instead offering specific and meaningful feedback, you can guide your children toward developing resilience, independence, and a strong sense of self. Learning how to rise after setbacks is a lesson that will benefit them for life.